I sat in the rocking chair at our house staring off into nothingness sobbing. I would never trust anyone again, my best friend for the past 8 year of my life was gone, just like that GONE!!! With just a text, “you’ve been a good friend, But I have some decisions to make, that only I can make, I hold nothing against you or anyone at church. And just like that, without any real explanation, my best friend was out of my life, and I honestly didn’t think I would ever trust anyone again. It’s not that I didn’t want to trust, I just didn’t think I could!
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I’ve always had issues with trusting people. I had not allowed myself to be a cynical person but there was a wall from growing up in a somewhat broken home and a lot broken promises. (Not from my mom! She lived this until she breathed her last breath!) But life, it just happens.
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I remember talking to my one and only ex-boyfriend on the phone, not sure WHY we were talking if we had just broken up buuuuuuut you know broken hearts 💔 are stupid, and my last words to him were, well I don’t trust you! And that pretty much nailed the coffin to our relationship permanently shut. Your word is your word. Don't say things you can't fulfill, and the wedding dress was dropped off as a donation to Savers the local thrift store.
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But not trusting people had started long before him. It started as a little girl's dreams of a whole family going to church together were shattered. A little girl who heard promises broken over and over and over again. By the time I was 15 I stopped believing that just because someone said something meant they would really do it. As I got older it was friendships that got tossed aside for another person. It wasn't something I really spoke about to other people, it was just something inside of me, I dis-trusted people. I may have had been friends with EVERYONE, but that didn't mean I trusted them.
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But then I made friends with someone that was so different than anyone I had ever known. They lived for God despite their circumstances and the home they lived in. They seemed slow and steady and above all else, faithful. Usually, when people teased guy friends about me, POOF, the friendship was instantly gone, but he still stayed my friend despite what anyone said. He always pushed me towards the things of God and encouraged me to develop stronger Godly character. There was never worldliness or from what I could see a desire for ungodly things. I told him one time, I don't trust very easily, so this is kind of a big thing for me to say, but I trust you more than just about anyone i know, and I really did.
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It NEVERRRRR once crossed my mind that he would backslide. Him leaving was not a nightmare come true, because I never once in the 8 years we were friends thought he would leave. But he did and when he left, momentarily, so did any grain of trust I had for any human did too.
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"you’ve been a good friend, But I have some decisions to make, that only I can make..."
I just sat in the rocking chair, rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, staring into nothingness and crying. In my mind I thought, I don't think I can ever get married now. Not because I didn't want to find someone, but because I didn't think I'd ever trust another human again. I started thinking about friends and was beginning to thing, eh, I should just let them go before they hurt me to. It was like the last thread of trust in humanity I had snapped when my friend left and I could no longer trust any human again.
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It wasn't that I didn't want to live for God, that thought has NEVER entered my mind, it was just like, I'm going to have to do this without anyone else because everyone just keeps proving I can't trust them. As I sat there, I could feel complete distrust and cynicism creeping into my heart as I sat in that rocking chair rocking.
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I wanted to pray, but all I could say, was, "God, who can I trust now? God who can I trust? Who can I trust? God who can I trust? Over and over and over again I kept asking him that rhetorical question.
Who can I trust?
And then I heard it,
softly and quietly,
JESUS whispered to my heart,
"You can trust me!"
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It was so clear and so real to me, Jesus told me, I could trust him. And in that moment, the cynicism I had been feeling evaporated from around me. The flood gates of my heart opened up, "I trust you Jesus, I trust you. I put my trust in you Jesus." That moment was a turning point of my healing. TRULY, I can trust Jesus. In a crazy, messed up world, I know who I can trust.
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There are times that even though I may not outwardly show it, inside I am still leery of people, but I know that if I seek after Jesus, he will lead me and guide me to the right people in my life. He told me I could trust him and I know that I can.
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I'm telling you guys, people may have failed you, but you can trust in Jesus! He is unshakable and unwavering. He will never leave you or forsake you. Don't let cynicism take over your life. I believe that the devil would have loved it if I had become a cynic, because ultimately, distrust towards all people will end up in distrust towards God. And you can't run this race on your own, God made us to need each other. The family of God is part of your journey to heaven. No matter how many times we're hurt, we need to learn to trust again. Ask God to lead you to the right people.
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You can trust Jesus,
I KNOW,
Because when I didn't think I would ever trust again,
he whispered those words to my broken heart!!!
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"Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
(Romans 15:13)
♥Mary Frances :)
